Italy in winter - PART FIVE

When I awoke on Sunday morning, I enjoyed the feeling of not having any plans. Being alone in my little apartment was beginning to feel so comfortable. I made myself an espresso, ate the yogurt I had purchased from at Angela’s shop the day before, and got dressed. Although the air was cold on this mid-January day, the sun was beginning to break through the clouds and the views of the mountains outside my window were wooing me. My heart felt the tug to go explore.

I put a few oranges in my backpack, along with my file folder of important papers, and family photos. I had printed out my family tree from Ancestry.com, as well as copies of the letters from Maria Ottoboni Sabini, written to my Aunt and my mother all those years ago. Keeping the papers with me felt important, in case I happened upon a cemetery or historical marker with family names on it.

On my agenda for the day, was to drive into the town of Montegroppo, the birthplace of my great grandfather - Luigi Scarpenti. I was excited drive the streets I had looked at over and over again on google maps.

The road leading from my apartment in Tarsogno into the valley of Albareto was gorgeous. I drove the roads slowly, trying to soak in every detail of the mountain beauty - stopping often to take photos and videos of the rolling hills and old farms.

I was overwhelmed by the ache in my chest, a love of this place that I felt I belonged to - even though I had never seen it before. I was learning more about these mountains - how they were full of dense woods which, in the fall, offered hikers and foragers the delight of hunting for precious and prized Porcini mushrooms. I recognized the oak leaves everywhere, but I wondered what other type of trees were growing on these hillsides. How crazy was it, that somewhere in my DNA remained a memory - a knowing deep inside me which had given me an affinity for oak acorns and mushrooms all of my life? At home in Colorado there is a mushroom sitting on my kitchen windowsill (a shape pressed into copper that my daughter had made years earlier), and a large wooden acorn hangs on my front door.

As I followed the curves of the winding road, my head and heart were having a little back-and-forth dialogue:

Heart - How can I feel so in love with these mountains? It’s like love at first sight - over and over, around every bend!

Head - I know, it’s weird, because you don’t even belong here.

Heart - Well, my blood relatives came from this very place. Surely that is why I feel a connection…

Head - If you say so - but don’t get carried away. Remember, your connection here is distant. Your great grandparents left over 100 years ago!

I followed the sign pointing to Montegroppo, and drove on until I could see a tall grey spire of the church up on the hillside to the right. I followed the narrow road all the way up to the church and parked next to a war memorial statue. Tommy Sabini (who I had discovered on Instagram) had told me about this church, and that some Sabini names were listed on the memorial.

I got out of my car, read the names (noticing another family name, Mezzetta) and then stood for awhile, taking in the view. The church wasn’t open, so I sat on the steps and let my hands feel the smooth, old stones. Surely some of my family members had stood here on their way in to mass, baptisms and weddings - probably hundreds of times. Tears filled my eyes, as I pictured them making the decision to leave for America. Although times were hard, it still must have been a painful decision to leave such a beautiful place filled with family, friends and all of their lifelong memories.

I explored a bit behind the church and saw that there was a road that went up behind it.  I walked up awhile, curious where it would lead. As I rounded a bend, my eyes caught the movement of white windmills, way up on top of the mountains in the distance. Suddenly, I realized that the tiny chapel Tommy Sabini (my Instagram friend from Reno) had described, must be up near the top. 

I felt the tug to get up there. I hadn’t planned on it when I’d parked my car… I had no idea how far it was, or how long it would take. I paused for a moment, realizing I had left my water bottle in the car. I wondered how far away it actually was? Those windmills looked pretty tiny. Since I had already walked about 10 minutes up the road, I decided that the two small oranges I was carrying in my backpack would have to do. I was already on my way! I had the whole day free, and no other plans. The sun was shining, the views all around me were gorgeous… it felt like the perfect day for an adventure.

As I began walking, I reminded myself where I was. I smiled as I let it all sink in. What an incredible privilege to be looking at the very mountains my family might have looked at, to be breathing this crisp Italian mountain air! I took photos the whole way up, feeling a sense of wonder and awe.  Something within me knew that this road I was walking had also been one that my great grandparents had walked. I was reminded of the story Tommy Sabini had told me, that the entire family of an immigrant would walk with them up to the chapel, as a send off when they would leave for America.

I walked and prayed.

I walked and cried.

I soaked in all of the tiny beautiful details, the old stone walls, the drainage ditches covered in moss. I would round a bend, and an entire stretch of road in the shade was covered in ice. Stepping out of the shade and into the sunshine, my body warmed again and I’d notice some bright red rose hips glinting in the sunshine, a generous invitation for the birds.

I decided I wanted to speak aloud what was in my heart, but in Italian.

Instead of my grandmother sending words to me as I fell asleep - this time I would say some words back to her - to all of my ancestors.  I used my translation app to figure out how to form a phrase.  I repeated it like a mantra as I walked, cried, prayed and walked some more. 

“ Voglio conoscerti, la mia famiglia. Parlami, guidami.”   

I repeated it over and over until I had it memorized. 

It means:

 I want to know you, my family. Speak to me. Guide me.

It felt like every step I took was a prayer. The tears rolling off my cheeks were prayers, Just being there was a prayer.

Speaking those words in Italian through tears, I could picture my family members who had emigrated from this place to America all those years before, walking behind me, around me.  I walked and cried and spoke. “Voglio conoscerti, la mia famiglia, parlami, guidami:... it was a powerful and moving experience. 

I ate my first orange after becoming really thirsty about halfway up the hill.  I passed a few old houses and what looked like old farms as I was walking. I could only imagine how incredible it would be to live up on this mountain!  What breathtaking views! At one point, rounding a bend, I saw a man out in his driveway, and I wondered if he would think it strange seeing me just walking alone up the hill.  I jumped, because before he saw me - he let out a large, loud belch! It made me laugh, but I didn’t make a sound. Just then, he saw me, and I felt embarrassed for him. I just smiled, said buongiorno and kept walking. 

I was surprised as I began to hear a loud, low whirl as I got closer to the windmills. I hadn’t expected them to make any noise - but the sound reminded me how very huge they were. Rounding the last bend in the road, I finally saw the small chapel. It turned out to be about a 3 mile walk to the very top, and took me about an hour and a half at my meandering pace.

I walked up close to get a better look at the little chapel, and saw that it was called the Cappellatta. 

My heart sank a bit when I saw the date on the top of the chapel, it had been built in 1933.  Since my great grandparents had left in 1917, this meant that the little chapel wouldn’t have been there when my relatives emigrated.  I consoled myself, thinking that it was still possible this was the route they might have taken. I took photos from a WW2 war memorial plaque that was up there, noticing some men with the last names Ferrari and Sabini. 

I took in the view, noting that the crest of this mountain was the dividing line between Emilia Romagna and Liguria. If you went down the other side, you would eventually make it to the sea.  It had been a great walk, and what an adventure. I started to go back down, eating my second orange for energy.

After only about 5 minutes, a car passed me on the road with a man driving, whom I smiled at.  He obviously turned around by the Cappellatta, and this time, stopped and rolled down his window. I said hello, and he began speaking in Italian. I apologized, saying I only speak a little, and rehearsed a sentence I’d practiced over and over again. I told him that I had traveled from America. That my great grandfather Luigi Scarpenti was born in Montegroppo, and my great grandmother Marina Ferrari was born in Albareto. He squinted, shook his head and seemed to say - No, I don’t know anyone by those names.  I smiled saying no problem and thank you. He also asked if I wanted a ride down the mountain. Trying to use my facial expression to be polite, I said no, grazie.

I held back the tears of disappointment as I watched him drive away. Yet another person who hadn’t recognized my family names. It’s ok, Sarah - just be open. Remember what you heard, cerco settimana. The week is not over yet. You still have four days to search!

I watched the man’s car snake down the winding road below me.  I took a deep breath - It would be a long walk back to the church where my car was parked.

All of a sudden - I saw the man’s car stop and turn around.  He started driving back towards me on the road. When he reached me, he was talking really fast, and I couldn’t understand him. 

There was one word he said, that I definitely understood, he had said Scarpenti. I paused asking him to slow down, and then said - Come ti chiami? - What is your name?

Sabini, he said.  My heart seemed to stop. 

The only two names of possible relatives that I knew might be alive and still in Montegroppo were Ivo and Ubaldo Sabini.

Ivo? I asked, trying to contain my emotion.  No - Ivo e mio fratello ( Ivo is my brother) before he could say his own name - I knew who he was. Ubaldo.

I was in shock - and I understood completely. I was talking to Ubaldo Sabini, the son of Maria Ottoboni Sabini who had written those letters to my aunt and then my mother 30 years ago.  Amazingly, I actually had the letters right there in my backpack. I pulled out the Italian copy of the letter and pointed to his mother’s name at the bottom. He nodded, but his face was hard to read - I was nervous that he would see what the letter was about, and think that I too, was another American family member now wanting to claim some property from 30 years ago - he did say quella è mia madre ( that is my mother)  - so I knew he had understood. He started pointing down the hill, and as fast as I could, I went around and got in his car. 

He started driving down the mountain, and was talking and talking but I couldn’t understand a thing he was saying.  I was furiously typing into my google translate app, trying to tell him one sentence at a time. I said that I had come from America hoping to find some family. 

I typed and spoke - I am so happy. This is amazing. I couldn’t make my brain say anything meaningful.

Suddenly he pulled into his driveway - and I realized…. he had been the man I walked past on the road - the one who had belched!  I laughed to myself at this unbelievable day. But then he pointed and said mia madre.  I was overcome as I looked and saw an old, frail woman standing in the driveway. I just burst into tears, I walked up to her - shocked to see that Maria Ottoboni Sabini was still alive! I held her hand, kissed her cheek and told her my name. She was 86 years old, and looked at me with a confused expression on her face. I’m sure she was thinking,  Who is this crazy stranger in tears, kissing my cheek?  

They invited me inside, and I was just doing my best to understand a few words here and there. The two of them were talking to each other, and then started pulling out old photos from one of their cabinets. It felt chaotic and I could hear their frustration with each other as they were trying to show me photos.

My body was not able to process everything at once. An hour ago I had been walking up a mountain, overwhelmed with tears and gratitude, asking my ancestors to guide me. Was I really now standing inside the home of a family member? It was true. I had found the very cousin - the only name I knew who was a link to my great-grandparents. I was shocked and amazed, but also a bit worried and confused by their reaction to me.

In my little bit of Italian, I explained the family connection. In all my ancestry searches, I had been unsure how Maria Ottoboni Sabini was related to me - but I was about to find out … I was standing in front of her! I pulled out the little photo album I had made to bring with me. I opened it to a photo picturing me, my mother, my grandmother and my great grandmother. Four generations of Italians. I showed them a photo of the two great grandparents of mine who had once lived in these mountains. I asked Ubaldo what his mother’s parent’s names were. I learned that her father was Federico Ottoboni, and her mother was Amabile Scarpenti. There was the family link! Eventually as we talked, I learned that her grandfather, Antonio Scarpenti - was my great, great grandfather!

This little 86 year old woman sitting beside me was my first cousin, twice removed.

After offering me some coffee, Ubaldo kept trying to ask me things that I didn’t understand. My phone had died, so I was on my own, and was struggling to remember enough Italian to reply. We did our best for about 20 more minutes, but I finally told him I would have to come back later with an interpreter. I felt completely amazed and totally frustrated at the same time. Io ritorno domani was all I could come up with. (I return tomorrow). He seemed to understand, nodding - then gave me a ride down to where my car was parked.

I drove down the mountain and through the town of Montegroppo in a daze. Suddenly, I remembered my desire to sit somewhere quiet in the woods, and collect a bit of soil. On my 3 mile uphill walk, there hadn’t been a good place to stop or sit alone. Spotting the perfect place off the side of the road just then, I pulled the car over. I sent a text message to Mirko, the translator I had met the day beore - telling him I had found my family, and would he be willing to help me talk with them?

I got out of the car, walked just far enough from the road and found a soft place to sit against a tree.

The sun was peeking through the forest, and I could feel the warmth of the winter sun on my face as it was getting ready to go down. I let the tears fall, and just said thank you, thank you, thank you. I was so amazed and grateful to God (and releasing my grasp on how the universe works) thanked my ancestors who had obviously guided me in such a miraculous way - bringing my family to me as I walked along the road.

I reached over and collected a handful of rich, forest soil next to the place I was sitting. I put it inside my backpack and paused to look up at the tree I was leaning against, as well as the leaves around me. It wasn’t an oak tree. I spoke aloud - addressing my Grandpa Luigi. I bet you knew this forest well, I wish you could tell me what kind of tree this is. I want to know more about you. About the food you ate. Did you forage for mushrooms? What else did you hunt for in these mountains? As I moved to get up, I pulled back suddenly in pain. Something sharp had poked my ankle. I looked closer, and it was a hull of some sort. It reminded me of the hulls from a buckeye tree we had at my home growing up. But instead of just being a furry-like buckeye shell - this one was covered in sharp spines.

As I walked back to my car, the phone rang. It was Mirko - offering generously to come right then. I waited for him by the road, and we went back to Ubaldo and Maria’s house together. With the help of translation, sitting with Ubaldo and Maria the second time felt so different. This time, I could understand everything, and Ubaldo was smiling. It was beginning to sink in - these people were my family. 

We laughed in amazement at the miraculous way we had found each other. Mirko helped confirm the fact that Maria’s mother Amabile Scarpenti was my great grandfather Luigi’s sister. I was amazed that Maria (at age 86) even remembered Luigi - since he had gone to America before she was born. I suppose, since he was her uncle, the family had kept in touch with him. Or maybe he had returned once to visit?  She told me the story. Antonio Scarpenti (my great, great grandfather) was her grandfather. Antonio had gone to America in 1904 to work on a ranch in San Jose. He returned to Montegroppo with enough money to build the family a home, and to then send his three sons to San Jose as well.

Sitting there at the table listening to Maria’s words, hearing her pronounce San Jose in Italian - I was amazed. I had been born in San Jose... and I would not have existed if our mutual grandfather Antonio Scarpenti not taken the risk of traveling across an ocean.

At the risk of taking too much time, I asked Mirko if they would explain some of the foods that people in this region had once grown and eaten. I listened, as Ubaldo explained that they raised cows on these hillsides, had chickens, grew vegetables as well as corn for polenta. Much of their food was foraged from the forest. Porcini mushrooms, and one other main thing. Mirko stopped. He didn’t know the english term for it - castagne. He began to say it grows on a tree, and is like a nut. Acorns? I guessed… no. Then he said - it grows inside a shell with sharp spines on it.

Instantly, I remembered the tree I had been leaning against, just a bit earlier in the day.

Chestnut! He remembered. This was one of their main food staples. They would gather the chestnuts, dry them and make flour with it. It is called farina di castagne. Chestnut flour.

Ubaldo got up to show me a bag of this flour, and his enthusiasm about it’s flavor (that it was naturally sweet) was evident.

As I watched him explain how they use it for cooking, my heart warmed. I was receiving the answer from my great grandfather Luigi, through my cousin Ubaldo. This had been a large part of his diet growing up in these mountains.

The events of this Sunday remain with me still, as one of the most miraculous events of my life.

I had been moved by the beauty of the mountains, led to speak some words in Italian, walked prayerfully and ended up in the home of a relative. I had been given an answer to a question I had always wondered - what kind of food did my relatives eat?

If I could have had more gratitude in my heart that day, I’m not sure where it would have fit.

After sharing the story with my mother that evening, I fell asleep easily that night.

No new words were necessary.

Italy in winter - PART THREE

The day after I purchased my ticket, I tossed and turned in bed. What was I thinking?! …I can’t just up and leave!

Remorse and regret were gnawing at me from inside my own head. I had made a gut decision, following a deep knowing … but my head was putting up a fight.

My husband reminded me that this would only be a 9 day trip. I would return and all would be as before.

I had his support, the tickets were paid for, but the battle with my mind and my own judgments raged on. I realized pretty quickly, that as with many other aspects of my life - I had ended up accidentally becoming the person I had once judged.

I recalled my own puzzlement in years past - looking at friends of mine who chose to travel alone, and thought I would never do that. What an odd thing to choose to experience something and not be able to share it with your own spouse? It wasn’t within the realm of possibility. If I’m honest - the idea of traveling alone seemed selfish and indulgent. Until I took an unexpected weekend trip to California for a memorial, I had no idea how much I needed solitude. My soul was thirsty for alone time in nature, for the spaciousness to think my own thoughts, to read and journal. I realized how desperately I needed to explore aspects of myself that were just not possible while at home surrounded by the needs of my family.

Now here I was… heading to the other side of the world alone. And I wasn’t exactly sure why.

I knew that my great-grandmother Marina Scarpenti had been born in the region of Albareto, and that her husband Luigi had been born in Montegroppo. I had some old letters from a correspondence that had gone back and forth, 30 years ago.

A cousin named Maria Ottoboni Sabini had written a letter to my great Aunt Rita, telling her of some land that she had inherited a part of. My Auntie Rita did not respond to the letter, but my mother picked up the correspondence later in the 1990’s. My mom remembers that these Sabini cousins, living in the mountainous town of Montegroppo had sent her a bag of dried Porcini mushrooms. She was so happy to receive correspondence from them, and began asking more questions about that parcel of land. Was it close to an airport? How large was the land? After that letter, she never heard back from them. My mom assumed that the family had become nervous, thinking these American cousins now wanted to try and claim some of the family property. She regretted ever asking about the land. Those letters had been written 30 years ago. There had been no correspondence since.

I was on the hunt to discover how Maria Sabini was related to my Scarpenti grandmother. I was headed to this beautiful mountain region - I had rented an Airbnb apartment in the town of Tarsogno - just a 20 minute drive to Montegroppo. After an exhaustive search, I was unable to find any links on Ancestry.com between the Scarpenti name and the Sabini name.

Finally, I entered these words into my google search bar:

Sabini Montegroppo.

An instagram post appeared by a man named Tommy Sabini.  He lived in Reno, NV and had visited Montegroppo in 2017. He had posted the sweetest picture of a 94 year old cousin of his, Emma Sabini who still lived in Montegroppo, and who he was able to meet while traveling in Italy.  

I was thrilled to see some kind of connection to the Sabini name, AND amazed that he too, had visited the same town I was headed to in only one week. I decided to reach out to him on Instagram. (Why not - I was getting used to jumping into the unknown). We arranged to speak on the phone.

Hearing his voice on the other end of the line felt comforting in a way that I can’t explain. Perhaps it was the warmth of our shared Italian heritage, but he immediately made me feel at ease and as though I had known him for years.

We talked on the phone for an hour, and he kindly told me all about the trip he had taken, how beautiful Montegroppo was, and that I was just going to love it. 

“You know it’s not an accident that we are talking, right?” he said.

That brought me to tears, and it was just what I needed as I had been feeling down and uncertain that day.  The key thing he told me was this:

“Sarah, there is this place up at the top of the hill in Montegroppo - its a small chapel.  There are lots of modern windmills up behind it, but it’s a special place and let me tell you why.  Whenever someone would leave for America, the family would walk up with them to that chapel, and then watch them walk down the mountain towards the sea - to take the train to America.” 

I got the chills hearing him say this, because in my online searches for the church in Montegroppo, I had seen pictures of that small chapel many times.  The image was unique - with the modern windmills in the background of the old small chapel. I was beyond grateful for Tommy’s helpful sharing about this important place, and I wanted to see it for myself. This piece of information would most certainly help me as I headed to my grandparent's homeland. My great grandparents had been two of these immigrants who left their small town to take a trip across the ocean to America. My nervousness about traveling to Italy alone was nothing compared to what they must have experienced setting out on their own journeys into the unknown. My Great Grandmother Marina had only been 19 when she left Italy.

A few days before my departure, I began to brush up on my Italian. It had been awhile since I’d practiced, and I wanted to try and have a few phrases under my belt. Just as I was falling asleep the night before I left, an Italian word was rolling around in my head. I found myself saying it out loud, enjoying the way it rolled off my tongue. Conoscerla. Why was this word stuck in my head?

Conoscerla, conoscerla… what did it mean? It sounded like a conjugation of the verb conoscere - which means, to know - but I didn’t recall it being in anything I had practiced.

When I woke the next morning, I remembered the word again and decided to look it up.

I typed the phrase into my phone’s Google Translate app, realizing that it may not even be a ‘real’ word at all.

But the word did have a distinct meaning.

Conoscerla means know her.

I was struck with a sense of awe, and an understanding that this word was meant for me to ponder.  I felt amazed. I cherished it’s meaning in my heart. I felt that ‘her’ could refer to my Grandma Scarpenti, the land of Italy and also - myself.

Jeremiah dropped me off at the airport on January 8th, and I was buzzing with excitement, some nervousness - but a sense of peace amidst my uncertainty about what was to come.

Even as I sat down for my long flight from London to Bologna, I chatted with a woman who was headed to Ghana to visit her family. Wait, you’re going all alone and you don’t know anyone there? That’s brave… she had said. I tried not to let her surprise unsettle me. It was a strange experience. I felt so certain about the trip. I had no idea what was ahead, but I felt comfort in knowing I was being guided.

Excited to have feet on Italian soil again. Made it safely to Bologna.

The apartment I had booked was in Tarsogno - a 20 minute drive to both towns where my grandparents were born.  Before my visit, I had told my host that I was coming to try and connect with some distant family members if I could find them - and possibly to work on a book. I wanted to learn more about the local area, learn what kind of food they eat there and just try to connect with my Italian roots in a deeper way.  I shared a link to my Plenty website to explain what I do in Colorado, how important food is to my life at home.

After landing in Bologna, I picked up my rental car (was grateful that driving a stick shift came right back) and checked into my hotel room.  

That first night as I was falling asleep in my hotel room, another Italian word I didn’t understand was rolling around in my head!

When I woke up the next morning, I couldn’t remember it.  Only that it had started with an R. I told myself - Stop it, Sarah! Don’t try to make that special word thing happen again. It probably was just one random event. Let it go.

That morning, there was a message on my phone from my host Francesca. She and her father co-manage the apartment, and she lives in London in the winter. Her father Mauro would be meeting me with the key. She said that Mauro had already alerted some important people in the town about my visit. They wanted to help me on my search to find family.   I felt so grateful!! It gave me an extra boost of encouragement as I went downstairs, had an espresso and then began my 2 hour drive on the Autostrada from Bologna to my Tarsogno apartment.

I drove past Modena (where Balsamic Vinegar was born) and Parma (famous for parmesan cheese and parma ham). I had thought I might stop and explore those two places, but was just eager to check in and see my apartment, so I drove on.

My heart was full of excitement, and the closer I got, the more picturesque and beautiful the views became. As I wound my way through the roads I was thinking of the fact that my great grandparents had left Italy such a long time ago - in 1914 and 1917.  How likely was it that anyone would remember them - if there were any relatives even still alive?

I prayed - God, please guide me.  Please let someone remember! 

I was listening to my music playlist, and a song in Italian came on.  Suddenly, I recalled with certainty what that Italian word was that had been in my head the night before. It was ricordiamo. 

I had to know if this word meant anything special, so I pulled the car over. 

I was amazed, that when I translated it, I discovered that

ricordiamo means we remember.

I was in tears. I sobbed as I drove my car closer to my apartment. I was full to the brim with the feeling of love and support.  I was in awe of this mysterious journey I was on, and so very grateful to have been given these meaningful words. 

I passed signs pointing to Albareto and Montegroppo and was just overcome by the mountain beauty.  I pulled over to take pictures here and there.

Mauro and his wife Paula greeted me at the apartment and were SO welcoming.  They had prepared a lunch for me in their apartment just below mine. I put away my suitcases, then - grateful I had remembered to bring some gifts - wrapped up my book and some packs of cards I had made to give away.  I joined them for lunch - they served me some traditional savory tarts (torta di riso, torta di erbe and torta di patate), salami, foccaccia and red wine.

We talked as best we could together (I was so grateful that Mauro spoke some English). I learned that he had told some friends about my trip, and they had offered to pick me up and take me to a meeting that night which was a gathering of local food producers and growers in the area.  They were trying to put together an organized group of organic farmers to distinguish their mountain region.

My kind and generous hosts, Mauro and Paula

I learned that Mauro and his wife live in the city of Parma (one hour away), and had only come to the apartment to greet me - so they were heading back home just then. (It was not as common for guests to come in the middle of January). We exchanged phone numbers and he offered to help if I needed anything.

I cried again as I walked up the stairs to my apartment. Partly of sadness that the only kind friends I had just spent an hour with were leaving - but partly because I was so touched that they would feed me and tell their friends about me.

My very first day in Northern Italy had already been full of welcome, magic and more generosity than I could imagine.

I spent the afternoon exploring the town of Albareto, and taking in the breathtaking misty mountain views. I went into the cemetery and took photos, then bought groceries at Angela’s charming shop which was just below my apartment. She treated me like a dear friend, and had everything I needed.

I enjoyed cooking myself dinner in the little kitchen in my apartment, then got ready for the meeting these new friends wanted me to attend that evening at 8.

Oh… and my apartment had a BATHTUB. That felt like the cherry on top for me. In our Sicily travels, none of our places had anything but a tiny shower, which is common for Europe. Having a bathtub meant that I could soak my tired feet each night, warm up after each day of chilly wintertime adventures.

I had begun listening to the book Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd on the airplane, which is a story of one woman’s journey from the Christian tradition to the Sacred Feminine. It had been a last minute decision to download the audio book, yet it now felt more than on purpose. I was taught that God is Spirit, and does not have gender at all - yet both male and female are made in God’s image. I really have only been exposed to the masculine aspect of God all my life. For me, this has been positive. Perhaps because of my close relationship with my Dad, embracing the idea of a loving Heavenly Father has been easy - even comforting.

But what about a Heavenly Mother? It was interesting how much resistance I felt while listening to Sue speak in Divine Feminine terms in her book. The word ‘goddess’ ‘feminist theology’ and speaking of God as ‘she’ sent unexpected pangs of fear into my chest. Memories of the words ‘heresy’ and ‘dangerous’ came to mind. I was unable to deny, however that my trip to Italy felt very much like a Divine Feminine experience. What had been ‘dangerous’ about that? I had been guided here by a great grandmother’s words - and my apartment having a bathtub felt like a touch that only a Motherly aspect of Divine Love would offer me. I had done something I never had imagined myself doing - traveling alone, taking time out to nourish my soul. The bathtub felt like a reminder that it was GOOD to take care of myself. To soak in rest and renewal. I was being given mysterious Italian words as I fell asleep, being fed well and provided for by strangers. This felt unmistakably like a Mother’s love.

And I was doing my best to conoscerla - to know Her.